I'm sorry for vanishing on you in
September. My dog was diagnosed with an aggressive cancer and we were preparing
for an intense last month with him. Fortunately for him (because he didn’t
suffer) and unfortunately for us (because we miss him terribly), he went into
failure just three days after his diagnosis... We had to say goodbye so quickly. I’m just now getting back to
poetry and to my regular schedule.
Here is my October poem! I’ll comment
on your poems soon!
Sketches
of Daydreaming
A
musician hauls his piano into the open-air market to play his scales;
all
around him, vendors balance fresh dates, mangoes, and pears on scales.
Hundreds
of miles away, a woman stands by window reading old letters
on paper
embossed with leaves that scale
the margins—the
way dry leaves curl under a boy’s feet in a park
in
Delaware. To him, they’re dragon scales.
At
home, his sister sketches blueprints of her perfect city,
one with
spiral staircases and glass elevators drawn to perfect scale.
The
ink becomes oceans, streets and trees, becomes notes.
This is where the singing happens. It starts with the simplest scale.
This is where the singing happens. It starts with the simplest scale.
Hi Shannon. So sorry to hear about the passing of your beloved dog. But I know from FB that you have an adorable new puppy now. Yay!
ReplyDeleteThis is an interesting poem that is self-reflexive (or about poetics), in an enigmatic way. I feel like it verges on a form I should recognize... ? I'm not entirely satisfied with the slip between scale and scales, and wonder whether it ought to be either one or the other. I also think the title is too vague... a suggestion: Into the Open-Air, from your first line. Overall, this poem makes me feel like it's a sort of ekphrastic version of an animation. I guess I can see the ink becoming streets and trees, etc. Thanks for sharing this one!
Shannon, I too am so sorry to hear about the loss of your dog...it always seems so unfair that dogs get cancer and it is so hard to lose a good buddy no matter how. Congrats on the new puppy!
ReplyDeleteI love love love this poem! It seems like a very loose ghazal, with the stand-alone couplets and the repetition of the last word in the couplet throughout the poem. The images are so vivid and I like being shown (yes, I can SEE this poem!) the different things people are doing simultaneously around the world. The curled leaves as dragon scales is such a fresh image, as is the musician hauling his piano out among the fresh produce! Beautiful and surprising images. My only question is with the use of the word sketch in relation to blueprints and drawings done to scale... I think of sketching as a looser, more casual/emotional style of drawing than architectural blueprints. But maybe I am the only one? I wonder if it could simply be: "At home, his sister blueprints her perfect city..." How you bring the poem around in the last stanza is just brilliant! Thank you for this inspiring and stunning poem!
Hi Shannon,
ReplyDeleteI found a lot to admire in this poem. "Scales" is a great word to work through a ghazal; I think you're really making the most of it here.
As Vasiliki alludes to, the poem seems to be about how we make beauty in the world, but in an everyday, nonexotic, accessible, almost gratuitous kind of way. I love this tone/subject/ etc.
A couple small tweaks: I agree with Claire on the blueprint/sketch misalignment. Either "blueprints" or "sketches," but not both.
I didn't love the musician bringing the piano to the market because pianos are so big, it didn't seem realistic. Perhaps I am just not knowledgable enough on how portable pianos can be, but it seemed like clarinet or oboe would do just as well.
And finally, in the last line, I wanted "singing" to be "playing," to bring us full circle to the opening line and to capture the playful spirit of the poem. "Singing" seems to introduce a whole new art in the last line, where I wanted unity rather than continued exploration. Could be just me.
Finally, I agree with Vasiliki's suggestion about the title. I don't think it's currently doing the poem justice.
Anyway, thanks for the work!