Hi Everyone, I am trying my hand at some formal poetry
(mostly to expand my range but also because of the feedback I received on my
manuscript that I could do more with form). I'm concerned as to whether
this poem: a) makes sense b) isn't just a formal exercise but that it's
emotionally compelling. c) are there areas that could be smoothed over/made stronger?
Why
My Father Left
Because I know only one story, I invent so many others.
I was left on a doorstep, in an open-air market by the fish,
or cheese or blueberries for someone else to love and foster.
My father was a prince, a businessman, a magician, a tailor
with orange handkerchiefs, a sous-chef. Always so accomplished.
Because I know only one story, I invent so many others.
Maybe those versions are wrong. Maybe this one is better:
I’m a modern day miracle made possible by a petri dish,
by cheese & blueberries. By someone who could love and
foster
me unconditionally. By a penguin, an egret, an orangutan, or
an otter.
Humans need to get better at love. Isn’t this a good wish?
Because I know only one story, I invent so many others.
Like the one where it
doesn’t matter if you have a son or a daughter.
Where it’s possible to
convert sadness into big, delicious
blueberries, and sweet
cheese. Or where someone can love, can foster
the assurance that
being oneself is enough. Where doors
open onto other doors
here, where everything is possible. Relish this.
Because I know only one story, I invent so many others:
about cheese & blueberries. About how to foster love:
for myself, for my father.
Shannon, it's such an interesting comment re your manuscript needing some more formal work. I'm curious about your reaction to that - did/do you agree? I absolutely think the poem makes sense - in fact, it feels very clear, one of its great strengths. I wonder about your 2nd question: whether the poem feels emotionally compelling and isn't just a formal exercise. I feel like I've read other poems of yours that take up the father-daughter relationship ways that feel more alive and necessary - not that this one seems *only* an exercise, but I don't find it as deep or rich as some of the others, possibly because it doesn't delve into the specifics of the relationship, though the the line "it doesn't matter whether you have a son or daughter" (which I love!) hints at a lot. The playfulness of the first stanzas, with their imagined stories, feels like it's working against - by making light of - the genuine sadness of the later stanzas, particularly the last line. The images, the diction are lovely and sharp, and your ability to work within the form is so strong - really admirable. Hope this helps! Kasey
ReplyDeleteHi Shannon! I'm impressed by this poem and found it moving, despite the fact that I don't know much about the back story that Kasey is referring to. I love the sound and the oddness of the juxtaposition of 'orange handkerchiefs, a sous chef'...In the first stanza, I'm a little distracted by the (*by* the fish)- as if the fish left you there... but overall, you have a very deft touch here, and I see a theme emerging having to do with food items, nourishment and love. Thanks for sharing this, and I look forward to getting to know your work better.
ReplyDeleteAnother beautiful poem, Shannon. Like Kasey, I also wonder about your reaction to the "more form" advice on your MS? For me, the poems themselves will ask for a certain kind of container. In the case of this poem, this repetitive form is perfect for the obsessive wondering, the inventing of possibilities. Like Vasiliki, I adore the orange handkerchiefs image. So bright! I also love the truth in the line "Humans need to get better at love." I picked up on the tension in the first line of the fifth stanza. But I did not crave knowing more about that just yet as, for me, the poem seems so centered in the narrator's imagination, as she invents alternate ways to deal with a still-painful abandonment. I love the cheese and blueberries (and of all the things in an open-air market, I am fascinated by the choice of these two items!) -- so much so that I almost feel that they take over the poem a little bit for me. I like the addition of "sweet" in the third mention. You are trying to stick to a strict form here, but I wondered if perhaps you could break it up a bit more by doing some substitution -- like perhaps the first stanza ends with "or Brie or blueberries..." This is masterful poem and the title is perfect! Thanks, Shannon! I, too, look forward to getting to know more of your work!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the poem, Shannon! I too found the cheese and blueberries image really strong and really driving originality here - they are (to me) an unexpected pairing, but seem to express the originality of the writer's vision. I struggled a bit with the abstractions "to love" and "foster," especially since the form requires them to be repeated so many times. I wonder if there is a way to use either 'love' or 'foster' in the repeated line.
ReplyDelete