Dovecote
in a frame above the stairs
ink sketch of a Greek soubrette
in feathered hat and fur muffler
she looks away—
so far away
her features cannot be gathered back
lovingly nor made out
her expression is a dove
flown so far ahead of us
its shadow has returned to perch
here
peristerióna
dovecote
you who flit and fly
alongside
such eyes
you never meet
but in this niche
ink sketch of a Greek soubrette
in feathered hat and fur muffler
she looks away—
so far away
her features cannot be gathered back
lovingly nor made out
her expression is a dove
flown so far ahead of us
its shadow has returned to perch
here
peristerióna
dovecote
you who flit and fly
alongside
such eyes
you never meet
but in this niche
rise
above the white hills of the island
above the white hills of the island
Vasiliki, this is a beauty. I love the language, the compression of the poem, which feels full of silence and mystery, and also a combination of triumph and yearning. The woman in the sketch (BTW, I appreciate how clearly the poem is framed - sorry, no pun intended - by the first stanza) is able to be free in some way the "you" longs for - at least, that is my feeling after multiple readings. It's a powerful poem. My favorite line: "her features cannot be gathered back." Oh!! I find this stunning. And there are other lovely ones. I'm wondering - in order to support the luminous images and help them to stand out even more - if you would consider making some cuts. For example, "lovingly nor made out" - the line just after my favorite - doesn't seem to add anything to the line before, in terms of my understanding as reader. It actually diminishes it a bit, I think. Similarly, I'd suggest removing "of us" at the end of the line that begins "flown so far ahead" - I found the introduction of "us" a little confusing (there's already a "she" and a "you" in this very brief poem) and I don't think it's necessary. And - though I feel less confident about this suggestion - you could consider taking out "you who flit and fly/alongside." I might be being too literal, but if the "you" is flying alongside, how is it that she "never meets" eyes like those of the "she"? Does this mean the you doesn't do this "in real life"? As you can see - I stumbled a bit here - and am not sure my suggestion helps. Maybe others will have thoughts (also, possibly I'm just being slow). The last 2 lines, and the lineation/white space, feel perfect to me. Thank you for sharing this one!
ReplyDeleteKasey, thank you so much for these suggestions. This is a very important poem for me, and part of my new manuscript. Your impressions are very illuminating. Thanks again.
DeleteIn response to your question about the'flit and fly/alongside' - would it make a difference to you're understanding if the poem read "such eyes/*you'll* never meet... I guess by alongside, I imagined at a slight remove, to the side, and slightly back, of a face always facing forward...
Delete*your understanding -- gah!
DeleteThat does make sense - your explanation of "alongside" - and it helps the "not meeting" the eyes to make sense too. I'm wondering if the "slightly back" part of alongside would be a helpful thing to add to the poem?? Though I have to admit I'm not sure exactly how... "alongside" is a lovely word and the poem is so succinct, I hesitate to suggest adding since one of the poem's wonders is its brevity. But... "alongside though slightly behind"... something like that???
DeleteYou had me at dovecote! The word brings me back to my visits to my father-in-law in Alexandria, and waiting with him on the balcony for his birds to return for the evening. This poem has a similar feel. There's a stillness and a gentleness, and at the same time a sense of movement and expansion, of time unspooling. It is dreamlike. Like Kasey, I too am in love with the idea of her features flown so far they cannot be gathered back. I wondered what you had in mind with that next line: lovingly nor made out, especially the lovingly. Love the use of the Greek word! It is absolutely brilliant how you have made of the framed ink sketch and its niche a whole other kind of place! What imagination, Vasiliki! Efharisto!
ReplyDeleteClaire, I am so delighted by your reaction to this poem. As I mentioned to Kasey, the poem plays an essential part in my new ms. but I have worried that it might leave some readers cold. I have wondered whether men vs. women have a different reaction to it, on the whole. Pointless wondering, I suppose.
DeleteHi Vasiliki, So sorry for the late reply. I love this poem and it didn't leave me cold at all! I echo Kasey's suggestions about the lines that worked and then those that might be tightened or omitted. Specifically, I think the line "those who flit and fly" cold also be simplied by "those who fly." I like the sounds in this line and the next, although I could see omitting it too. I found myself wondering about the white space at the end (which I LOVE) and wonder if you could do more with double spacing (or irregular spacing) throughout just to make the poem "pop" even more. Thanks for sharing this wonderful work! Looking forward to seeing more from your ms.
ReplyDeleteYay! Shannon, thank you for these helpful comments.
ReplyDeleteHi Vasiliki,
ReplyDeleteI love the mystery and elegance of this poem; the word "soubrette" (which I happily looked up), seems to epitomize the style here. I love how you effect a little transformation early-on: she looks away, so far her features cannot be gathered back - it's as if she herself, including her body, is following her own gaze off into an unreachable distance. That this is a universe where a person can look so hard in one direction that she just flies off on that trajectory sets a lovely, magical tone for the poem for me. I struggled a little bit to line up the last part of the poem with the first part. I wasn't sure if the "you" is the same person as the "she" but now being addressed directly; I wonder if clarifying that would be helpful for readers. And (but I see above that others read this differently, so take for what it is worth) with "niche," I was picturing a niche for an urn in a columbarium, and with that, understanding the "you" to be some lost person different from the "she" but somehow associated. I'm not sure if that's what you had in mind or not. Hope this is at least a little helpful. Lovely work.