TWO YEARS IN OUR LIFE [WORKING
TITLE]
Driving from DC to CT
every Friday after work
you were Odysseus
with an EZ Pass.
You’d arrive, all Greek
fire
ready for the spark, past
midnight
bearing garish bouquets plucked
from toll-plaza
islands on I-95,
body scented from hours
in a close and messy cabin.
You were dashing, I admit,
as you dashed about,
covering
over six hundred miles
in under a weekend.
And I, Penelope by default,
spent my days squinting at
the harbor
from the house on the hill.
I'd never even knitted a
baby’s booty
but soon grew expert at
weaving
worries into tragic
stories,
waiting into an art,
no Telemachus for company,
but no swarming suitors to
clear
from the garden either.
Tonight you walked
through the back door
eighteen years early, hands
full of roses the color
of blood and vowed to
remain
in Ithaca forever,
ears waxed against the
siren
song of salaries and
bonuses,
corporate promises fading
to empty myths.
Claire, I love the extended Odysseus/Penelope metaphor - updated for the corporate age! - which feels funny, poignant, and real - and deftly managed. The poem has a lovely flow to it; I never "fell out" of it because of confusion or hesitation - I was right there with the speaker and her partner the whole time. It's such a lovely poem; it feels like a whole world, engaging and clearly, beautifully rendered. I don't think I have many (if any!) suggestions. I know the title is a working one, which makes me think you might be tentative about it - and I agree it's not as strong or engaging as the poem as a whole. I'm not great at titles - they either come naturally or I really struggle. I searched through the poem for phrases that might work - I love "eighteen years early" but I'm not sure it's title material - potentially too confusing? My other thought was an actual quote from The Odyssey - I don't have specific suggestions, though, unfortunately. Sorry - this is not super helpful, I know (and maybe others are better at titles!). The only other thing I wondered is whether the last line is a little heavy handed. It clearly works with the rest of the poem's imagery - maybe too much so? It felt somewhat like a door closing. But that could be because I have my feedback hat on - I think if I'd read this in a journal I'd just appreciate it. So, see what others think! This one is so intelligent and also so heartful - thank you for it.
ReplyDeleteHi Claire- this poem delighted me, and I wanted it to keep going. That is my main suggestion-- and it dovetails with Kasey's comment about the closing door, in that the last stanza here feels a bit anti-climactic. At least one more couplet or two...I love Odysseus with an EZ Pass, and I think the garish bouquets stanza is my favorite!! In the next, 'body' couplet, may I suggest "musty" rather than scented, and "quarters" rather than cabin-- though I'm assuming here that's it's about the inside of a car, because of the traffic islands...? There's probably an even better more specific interior space word to be found...The 600 miles stanza--> would read more smoothly as six hundred miles/in a single weekend rather than covering/(over)-- (covering/over--puts me in mind of a cover-up.) I suggest adding *a* Penelope by default (and omitting the (my)-of my days). I think that simply stating: "waiting is an art"- would be strong. I admit I got tripped up by the present tense of Tonight you walked...eighteen years early... do you mean (as) eighteen years ago... and we are flashing back to the proposal, or are we in the present? Thank you, Claire!
ReplyDeleteAbout the title: maybe something about "The Suitor"-- suits are corporate types so that's a bit of a tie-in.
DeleteClaire,
ReplyDeleteThanks for this clever and engaging poem. I admired its polish, its pace, and how effectively it told its story. I loved the wry humor of “no Telemachus for company, / but no swarming suitors to clear / from the garden either.” The speaker is practical. I love it :) In terms of suggestions, I wondered if the poem could access the emotional resonance of this story a little more. It felt a little more pat than I think the story could encompass. There are a few subtle nods in the direction of the speaker’s most nuanced interior emotions – the lines I quoted above, and the lovely excitement of “all Greek fire / ready for the spark.” But I wonder if there is more complexity there than is currently expressed. We know that she worried about her partner, yes, but what else? And when the Odysseus comes back – the way the poem tells the story, indicates that the decision was spur-of-the-moment—was that a good thing for the speaker? Were there any mixed feelings? I know that’s a lot of questions – I echo folks above and think just another couplet or two could add a lot. Thanks for the work!
Dear Claire,
ReplyDeleteThis poem is a delight to read! I love the use of myth with contemporary references like the EZ pass, as others have also noted. I agree with others, too, about the ending. You might extend the poem. I also thought that these lines could open up the poem:
but soon grew expert at weaving
worries into tragic stories,
what tragic stories? Could you offer (via a few couplets) insight into the speaker’s emotions and interiority a bit more? Doing so might give us an even better sense of the speaker. Elaborating a bit here could offer you an even greater opportunity to think about the relationship between myth and everyday life (which I love).
As for a title idea, maybe Penelope or the Odyssey?
Thanks for sharing!
Shannon
Thank you, thank you, everyone! As usual, brilliant questions and suggestions for this poem. I am so grateful for each one of you!!!!
ReplyDelete