Élan
the garden is painted
the birdsong is podcast
there is a bird painted in
all the paths are gray
the canvas has a crackle
the scene overhead is empty but for the bird
and the overload of scentless roses
gray smoke of several decades’ regrets
of elderly aunts who mostly didn’t visit Italy…
the running water is false-
the tap is on my iPhone
there are bells in the foreground and in the distance
I’m premeditating
and the painting is above my head
and the phone is waiting to ring
on the floor beneath my meditating feet
the birdsong and running water are contained in gray plastic
all is dry and silent
there is a crackle
the afternoon sun animates the painting
moves across the scene, as if it were real
a trellis awaits grapes
blue hydrangea, also senseless
motley petals fall on gray stone paths
feathers of a bird that has just flown past
the birdsong is podcast
there is a bird painted in
all the paths are gray
the canvas has a crackle
the scene overhead is empty but for the bird
and the overload of scentless roses
gray smoke of several decades’ regrets
of elderly aunts who mostly didn’t visit Italy…
the running water is false-
the tap is on my iPhone
there are bells in the foreground and in the distance
I’m premeditating
and the painting is above my head
and the phone is waiting to ring
on the floor beneath my meditating feet
the birdsong and running water are contained in gray plastic
all is dry and silent
there is a crackle
the afternoon sun animates the painting
moves across the scene, as if it were real
a trellis awaits grapes
blue hydrangea, also senseless
motley petals fall on gray stone paths
feathers of a bird that has just flown past
Dear V, I'm surprised this poem is at an early stage - it feels very strong to me. I've been reading a lot of Mary Ruefle, whom I love, lately, and something about the tone and images both is Ruefle-esque, at least to me (this is meant as a big compliment). And the poem feels whole, all of one piece. I love many of the images and the language: "overload of scentless roses," the aunts who didn't visit Italy (!!), the trellis awaiting grapes, and especially the last line which feels poignant to me - love how it both works with the imagery also established and is taking it in a new direction, too, with the "just flown past." I have a couple of questions and wonderings which I hope will help if you keep working on this one. The title: I looked up elan because I wasn't quite sure what it meant :) - is the title meant to be ironic? The emotional content of the poem feels very different, to me, from the emotional content suggested by "elan" - but I'm not sure it works ironically, either - just doesn't feel quite right. I was confused by premeditating/meditating - I understand it's a play on words but almost feels too clever to me, and I didn't know how to understand "premeditating" in the context of the poem - is it meant literally? And if so, premeditating about what? If not, how is the reader meant to understand this? I'm wondering if that whole stanza could be left out - in general, I think the poem could be trimmed, and maybe the stanza following could be removed as well since I think it's basically repeating, in different words, information that's already been given. I was also somewhat confused by "crackle," which to me is a sound - does this mean the canvas of the painting has a crack in it - or something else? That feels like a lot of musings, so I'll stop now, but let me know if I can clarify any of them. I think this one is closer to done than you do :).
ReplyDeleteHi Kasey, I'm so glad this poem engaged you! I'm embarrassed to say I've never read any Mary Ruefle apart from a poem or two, so I'm happy to hear that you think Elan falls into some sort of contemporary mainstream, which in my more lonely moments, I wonder about—(and given this poem is not my most typical mode). This is one of those poems that came out all at once, hence the title. Of course this is a little 'meta'- but I love words that carry from one language to another without translation (like élan)-- as someone who has lived/worked in French, this pleases me in some deeper way. I'm glad you pointed to irony-- here again, something that bubbles up in many of my poems-- I'm not sure how often it works, but I feel there is often a rueful tone, that perhaps I don't manage to fully realize. One last general question: do you think as a group we should have another forum on this site with more general questions, sparked but perhaps unrelated to the specifics of our poems? Ie. the decision to stop sitting on a draft, and to start sending it out to journals... or questions/difficulties of tone, or pronoun questions, or the meaning of 'contemporary mainstream,' etc. This is where I feel the limitations of this online format, because I think in person we could hash out a lot of lingering questions, and that would feel very satisfying, at least in the moment.
DeleteQuick note: yes, to your last question! And I think Shannon had already started another thread (thank you, Shannon!). I read the other terrific comments on this one, Vasiliki, and just wanted to say that Dargie's really clarified the poem's basics for me, and that unfortunately I didn't "get" this scenario in my own readings of the poem. Reflecting on this, I really think it's the word "meditating" that tripped me up; because of this, I pictured a much different scenario than the one I now know you're trying to convey. Hope this helps!
DeleteVasiliki, I love this poem! And I agree with Kasey that this one feels almost done! I wonder if the title has something to do with the fact that it has not yet been accepted for publication? When I see the word élan, I immediately think of another French word, panache -- a synonym that also means brightly colored, stylish, vivid. It feels quick, too. Though there is color (mostly gray, though!) in this poem, I find the tone of the poem rueful (interesting how Kasey thought of Ruefle!), a word you used in the above comment. The mood also feels simply meditative, an in-the-moment-ness. Could the poem be titled Present or Moment, or even Meditation, I wonder? or Still Life. Though those hardly match the cleverness of the poem...
ReplyDeleteHi Claire-- I haven't yet sent out this poem, but your suggestions and encouragement are wonderful to hear! Thanks so much.
DeleteVasiliki,
ReplyDeleteThank you for this remarkable poem. It gripped me with freshness and intellectual engagement from the outset, especially with the surprising ‘podcast’ in the second line. The poem to me seems to be exploring components that can make up artificial worlds, to be creating/describing a modest simulacrum that may just be the world we live in. The speaker is standing in front of a painting, presumably with headphones on, listening to audio. The two different media, the painting and the podcast, layer together to create the visual and sonic parameters of this artificial world. In addition, there seem to be other layers: on top of the painting, it seems to me, are the “gray smoke of several decades’ regrets” –I wonder if this is intended to be cigarette smoke that is visible on the surface of the painting, as a result of the aunts’ dissatisfied smoking in the same room as the painting. This suggests that, visually, there is a layer of 1) the painting as intended by its artist 2) the painting as it looks now, with smoke-damage, with crackle; then on top of that, I see an additional layer that relates to the painting, a metaphysical one, of the speaker’s memories of the aunts who didn’t visit Italy. Then in stanza 5, the poem pivots toward audio and we have a very 2018-feeling moment layering on top of the more historical aura of the painting. The effect of all this dissection is thrilling and destabilizing, suggesting that any scene is comprised of layers like these that could be teased apart and isolated and found to be real or "artificial." I could explore the layer-labyrinth of this poem all day. The final two stanzas seem to close the poem in a synthesis of real/imagined present that allowed my brain to pause satisfyingly. Really appreciated the poem – hope these thoughts help a little!
!! You totally got this poem. Thank you so much for this wonderful feedback, Dargie.
DeleteDear Vasiliki,
ReplyDeleteI’m so fascinated by your friend who sends poems out early in the process. I send things out when they are “polished”—if they ever are! But I think sending things out early might be very helpful in freeing me a bit from the nerve-wracking process of having invested months and months, if that makes sense.
This is a very lovely and wonderful poem! I, too, think that it’s nearly done. I’d like to piggyback on what Kasey said to say that I don’t think of this poem as enacting its title. I wonder if the poem is itself a meditation and if that title—or one like it—might better serve the poem. Like Kasey, too, I was thrown a bit out of the poem and its intent (as I experienced it, of course!) with the “premeditating” and “meditating.” I learn so much, counter-intutively, about the speaker without the mention of the “I” and I found myself distracted by those moments. So do you need them?
Finally, I like the ending, but I wonder how the poem would change if these lines were placed last?
there is a crackle
the afternoon sun animates the painting
moves across the scene, as if it were real
I’m not sure about this suggestion, but I love the idea of ending with the hypothetical. Just thought I’d float it to see what you think. This closural move would circle back to the beginning in interesting ways.
Thanks for sharing!
Shannon